104. Con không tìm ra giải quyết vấn đề của con! Con nên như thế nào?

07/10/2013

Con chào cha! Vừa rồi con coi mấy câu trả lời của cha cho các bạn trẻ về vấn đề tính dục, con thấy rất hay, nhưng không tìm ra giải quyết cho vấn đề của con, nên mong cha giúp con.

Con có bạn trai rồi, chúng con sẽ cưới nhau. Nhưng hiện nay tụi con đang ở xa nhau cả nửa vòng trái đất, phải 3 năm nữa mới gặp lại. Trong thời gian này con có nhiều bạn bè mới. Có một bạn trai con rất thân, anh chàng này cũng có bạn gái rồi. Tụi con xác định là không yêu nhau, chỉ là "close friend" thôi. Thỉnh thoảng tụi con cũng có khám phá cơ thể của nhau, nhưng đều ý thức để không đi đến sex 100%. Cả con và bạn con là người Công giáo. Tụi con thấy rất thú vị khi biết về cơ thể của người khác phái, nhưng con mơ hồ cảm thấy có gì đó không ổn. Còn anh bạn con (không phải người Việt Nam) thì quan niệm khác: chỉ là đùa cợt tí thôi, chứ không phải sex thực sự.

Vậy theo cha thì con nên như thế nào? Con thấy hơi bất công vì con được "formated" theo tư tưởng Công giáo Việt Nam nên dễ có mặc cảm tội lỗi, còn người Châu Âu cũng là Công giáo thì lại thoáng hơn, và sống thoải mái hơn, vì không mang mặc cảm tội lỗi... Rất mong cha giúp con. (Một Bạn Trẻ)  

"Một Bạn Trẻ" thân mến,
Khi người Do Thái ghép việc trừ quỉ của Chúa như việc của ma quỉ, Chúa Giêsu đã buồn rầu nói đến tội phạm tới Chúa Thánh Thần, tội không thể được tha thứ.  Tôi không biết nói gì đây khi người "bạn trẻ" buồn tiếc vì được dạy dỗ đúng đắn trong đạo!  Có thể người "bạn trẻ" chỉ mới sống dựa, chưa bao giờ sống theo tiếng Chúa mời gọi!  Nếu thế, đây thực là mối nguy khi làn sóng "duy vật" tràn tới quê hương!  Các bậc phụ huynh phải có kế hoạch gì, làm gì cho các bạn trẻ?

"Bạn trẻ" thân mến,  phải nói thật là anh chàng Công Giáo Âu Châu đã mất ý thức tội lỗi. Đức Piô XII nói: Mất ý thức tội lỗi là một sự dữ lớn hơn mọi sự dữ.  Cũng xin nói thật với "bạn trẻ"  là cô không chỉ mang "mặc cảm tội lỗi"  mà là mang chính tội lỗi.  Một số "Công Giáo Âu Châu" chỉ vác xác đến nhà thờ ba ngày: ngày rửa tội, ngày cưới và ngày an táng.  Cái tên Công giáo chỉ khổ cho họ thôi.

Để không bạn trẻ, bạn gìa nào trách "không tìm ra giải quyết cho vấn đề" của mình, và có lẽ để  cô "bạn trẻ" dễ nói với anh chàng râu xồm, tôi ghi lại nguyên tắc tổng quát  cho vấn đề.  Cũng để tránh khỏi bị "formated theo tư tưởng Công giáo Việt Nam" và  để "thoáng hơn, và sống thoải mái hơn,"  tôi cũng xin dùng câu trả lời anh chàng Âu Mỹ Christopher West:

Perhaps you remember your parish priest, CCD teacher, or mom drawing a line along the scale of physical behaviors and saying, "If you cross this, you've  sinned." I'm not trying to discount the need for such physical "lines," but they often fail to do justice to the complexity of human hearts. 

It's here that we experience the battle between love and lust. It's here that we decide which force within us will hold sway in our actions. So before the line is drawn along the scale of physical behaviors, it must be drawn in the human heart. This line applies to everyone in every situation and in every romantic relationship - married, engaged, or dating. 

In his book Love and Responsibility, John Paul II speaks of the moral principle that should guide all human behavior. He calls it the personalistic norm.   Stated negatively, it says that persons have such great dignity that never, under any circumstance, is it acceptable to use a person as a means to an end. Stated positively, the personalistic norm says that the only proper response to another person is that of love.  

In John Paul Il's mind, then, the opposite of love is not hatred. It's use. Here battle for purity in physical manifestations of affection. We must resist every impulse in us that tends to treat other people as means to our own selfish gratification, so that we can learn to love others for their own sake.

Again, this points to the need for a deep conversion of heart. Without the perspective of God's plan in the beginning and our redemption in Christ, almost all we know are the distortions that sin has caused in us. We consider it completely "normal" to use others for our own physical or emotional pleasure, so much so that we call it "love." Our society fosters this attitude, shamelessly encouraging it at every turn.

This is the very essence of the distortions that occur in man and woman's relationship. If we are ever to discover and experience true love, we must win the battle in our hearts over lust, over any desire to use people for our own gratification. And this victory, of course, can only be accomplished through the help of God's grace.

Physical manifestations of affection, no matter where they fall on the scale -- from holding hands and kissing to sexual intercourse -- are meant to be outward signs that express genuine inward realities. When outward signs do express genuine inward realities, there's a corresponding physical and emotional satisfaction, from the tender comfort of holding hands to the explosive intensity of orgasm in intercourse.

These joys are God-given. They're some of the joys promised by Christ when he calls us to love as he loves, so that his joy might be in us and our joy might be complete (see Jn 15:11). Thus, those who love as Christ loves, and express that love in a manifestation of affection appropriate to the state of their relationship, should receive the joy that flows from that expression as a gift from God.

We cross the line in the heart, however, when we seek that physical and emotional satisfaction as an end in itself -- when we treat another person, not as a person created for his or her own sake, but as a means to our own selfish ends. This can happen all too easily, even if we don't cross the line on the scale of physical behaviors.

For example, a married couple isn't "crossing the line" when they have intercourse. It's appropriate to their relationship. But if a married couple is having intercourse merely because "it feels good" and not because each wants to say what intercourse means ("I am yours freely, totally, faithfully, and, yes, I am open to children"), they've crossed the line in the heart.  Similarly, a dating couple is not crossing the line of physical behaviors by holding hands or even kissing. But if a dating couple is holding hands or kissing merely because "it feels good" and not because they want to say what these expressions mean, they've crossed the line in the heart.

Admittedly, the meaning of holding hands or a kiss is not as universal or God-given as sexual intercourse. At a minimum, however, these behaviors mean (or should mean), "I respect you deeply as a person, I have tender affection for you, and I want to speak to you of your goodness." They should never be the expression of a desire to "get something" from the other for one's own ends. They should instead be expressions of a disinterested desire to affirm the other person for his or her own sake.

Discerning the inner movements of our hearts can be confusing and difficult. Because of our own fallenness, we'll inevitably recognize elements of self-seeking mixed in with otherwise genuine desires of love. This acknowledgment doesn't stifle expressions of affection.  Instead, it leads to their ever purer realization.

Such genuineness in expressions of affection -- from holding hands to sexual intercourse in marriage -- is only possible as we surrender our whole selves as sexual beings, as men and women, to the transforming love of Christ. Without such surrender, we'll inevitably be stuck to one degree or another in a habit of using others, and for lack of knowledge of anything else, we'll make the tragic mistake of calling that "love." (Good New sabout Sex & Marriage, 73-75)

Nguyên tắc trên áp dụng cho mọi người gìa trẻ lớn bé.  Tôi không thích nêu giới hạn vì có vẻ cơ thể học, nên đôi khi chỉ tạo tò mò và táy máy không cần thiết. Dĩ nhiên, văn hoá Mẽo khác văn hoá Mít nhiều.  Nhưng sợ bạn trẻ lại kêu không "thoáng và thoải mái" tôi đành trích Michael F. Pennock, một ông Mẽo có vợ và bốn con để các bạn tùy nghi áp dụng.

How far can I go sexually? 

Teens (and adults) have been asking this question from time immemorial.  What they usually mean is "How much pleasure can I get from playing with another body  (and he or she playing with mine) before I break God's law?" When this is what is meant, then the person is only concerned with using the other person as an object for his or her own gratification.

This, of course, is wrong. Sex is not a plaything. Using another person for one's own sexual pleasure violates that person's dignity. Sex is the language of love between totally committed persons. Sexual intimacy without the true love commitment found only in marriage leads to rejection. In our day, we have also seen how it often results in the tragic abortions of children conceived outside of the marriage bond.   Sex is beautiful, exciting, passionate, and progressive. Once the sexual passion gets started, its natural outcome is greater intimacy and eventual union with another. God intends this union, of course, for a husband and a wife in the sacrament of marriage. The term for premarital sexual intercourse is fornication; the term for extramarital sex is adultery. In many places in Scripture, any form of fornication or adultery is condemned (see: Dt 5:21, Mt 5:27-30, Hb 13:4, 1 Thes 4:3-5, and 1 Cor 6:9, 18).   Premarital sex is like the TV commercial about a certain brand of potato chips. The advertisement says, "You can't have just one." Once a person has entered the danger zone of premarital sex, it is difficult indeed to draw back. "Drawing lines," however, can indeed help you avoid the sin of fornication.

 The following behaviors are "over the line" on the negative and destructive side and should be avoided:

1. Prolonged kissing which leads to open-mouthed  kissing, including the last stages of "necking," nibbling on the ears and the neck.

2. Any type of petting. Petting is intimate touching (sexual foreplay) of another's "private parts." It arouses the passions and leads to sexual intercourse. Light petting includes the touching of covered or bared breasts. Heavy petting includes the touching of genitals, either covered or bared. It also  includes oral sex and genital-to -genital contact.

3. Sexual intercourse. Prolonged kissing and petting lead naturally to this behavior which is  fraught with many physical, emotional, and  spiritual dangers for unmarried teens.

 A guideline that can answer your question and keep you on the positive side of the safety zone is: Before marriage, limit yourself to hand-holding, hugs, and light kissing as ways to show affection.  

Positive Guidelines for Handling Sexually Tempting Situations

**  Kiss only with the lips closed.

** Don't touch another's "private parts." Beware of  roaming hands. Don't allow someone to touch  your private parts.   

**   Keep your clothes on.   

** Stop immediately when genital feelings are aroused.   

** Stop immediately when you feel yourself losing control.

(What We Realy Want to Know, 148-150)

L.m. Francis Lương Minh Tri, CMC Phụ Trách

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